I like driving fast. 
I smiled & you winked at me.
Dear Frank,
It was a rain-ridden sunday evening and I was nervously pacing around the restuarant as the families settled in. Everything was perfect, the restuarant was just how I thought it would be- Small town, small people, secluded and charming. Well, almost perfect. It was only 20 minutes after the party was set for, but secretly I couldn’t keep you out of my head. You’ve disappointed so many times, but you wouldn’t miss my birthday right? As my godson’s mother pulled in I took the opportunity to take a ciggarette break. It was a relieving thing to see her aswell, we had a falling out but in the end her and I knew we would always be there for eachother. But I suppose that’s another story. It seemed to happen all at once, really. She pulled in, and then out the corner of my eye I caught I glimpse of the red jeep. I specify because I know how proud you are of your red jeep. ;)
I stood under the overhang trying to keep my hair in place atleast until dinner was over. Our old, shady, friend stepped out and came to me first. I saw that he had flowers but looked away from them. He handed one bunch to me and tried to hide the others. You stumbled over and took the bouquet out from behind him. I laughed in my head when I saw the fake flowers attached on the outside. I felt a little guilty but the recent inside girl talk joke was of the fake pink rose I recieved on Valentine’s Day after we got into that huge fight. I guess you wouldn’t understand anyways, it’s a girl detail thing. I tried to sheer the snickers my girlfriend was making.
That’s when my truest, best friend stepped out of another SUV. I feel bad now, remembering how I treated you in this moment. I hastily handed my sister the flowers and scampered between you & shady. I realize now, he’s kind of the younger you- only I think he was able to find happiness a lot easier than you have. It was the first time I had seen this quirky kid in a long time. I realized how I felt about him just a little too late. It was junior year of high school and he had his first girlfriend. I sometimes wonder, if I had seen what was right before me sooner, how things would be different. I later explained to you the friend part because I noticed you glancing at how close I kept to him. You have to give me credit, it was difficult giving everyone the same amount of attention in all that chaos. I thought it was cute that you wanted alone time with me before we went in. We sat in the red jeep and smoke amongst making small talk. It felt nice to be with you alone on good terms, and I thanked you for coming. I think that’s when I began to let my guard down. Whether that was foolish or not, I’m still not quite sure.
After we got inside I called my highschool crush over to sit beside me. You, shady, my girlfriend and my godson sat at a both beside our little table. We chatted and I opened a gift. That’s when you handed me the flowers again and asked me to open the wrapping. I unraveled a beautiful mixed bouquet, with a white and a red rose in the middle. Maybe you do know the girl detail criteria. I looked up and I smiled & you winked at me. You winked like you always used to. I had forgotten how much I missed that. Right before things got messy I had told you laying dazingly in bed, “I love it when you give that me that wink that no one else sees.” You sent a wink my way for like a week as if you were embarrased that I noticed. I thought it was the sweetest thing though. That’s when you said, “I figure you love flowers, so the real ones are for now, and the fake ones, forever.” Anyone else reading this must think it’s all a farse, but those are the words you chose. You hadn’t made me feel that way in close to 6 months and I hope you know how much it meant to me.
Through out dinner I migrated across the tables, talking about who knows what. It kind of felt like a dream as I look back on it now. I sat across from you, set back in one of the corners as we choked back laughs watching drunk ol’ shady hitting on the waitress and making a fool of himself at it. I wanted to reach across the table and hold your hand, in that moment, as difficult and frustrating you are, it didn’t matter. I knew I still loved you. That scared me.
The after party consisted of rum&coke- always my drink of choice, poker and occasion trips to the garage to smoke. We bickered through the whole game- if there hadn’t been other people in the room I would have walked out. It’s not that we were arguing over important or big issues, but that it just goes to show that you really haven’t changed that much in spite of all your efforts. It just reminds me that I can’t expect someone to change for me, but that doesn’t mean I should want anything else. That night though, I was the asshole in the end.
You left, taking everyone’s money, and shady stuck around even though he had come with you. I made the mistake of giving him the choice of coming back with me after we dropped high school kid off. It was three of us still going at 4 in the morning- shady, my cousin, and I. We played cards until I was about ready to pass out. My cousin parted ways and shady asked if he could sleep in my bed rather than the room I had set up for him. I vapidly agreed, even though he made a point to say he’d leave me alone. Those words exact. I never wanted it to happen, even during so I pushed away a lot, but it wasn’t rape. I never said no, but I did say, “Frank never finds out about this.” I think I sobered up mid-action and I faked it in order to get it over with. He was talking about how we should “try again some other time” and all the while I could only think about how sad it is that two of the people who you’re supposed to be able to trust, aren’t so trustworthy. I’m rarely a faithful person I will admit that, but I wanted to be for you and I fucked up. He rambled until exhaustion took over and I slipped out of bed. I showered and brushed my teeth religiously before sneaking past the room to the one meant for him. I didn’t take any of his calls for the next few days, that is until he gave up calling. I never wanted to see him again.
You guys came over tonight for poker, it’s been a few weeks. I made eye contact with him as I pulled into the driveway, I looked away immediately as he stood up and broke the glance. Minutes into entering the house you two got into an argument and he slammed the door as he left. He hadsn’t said one word to me. You were mad that he was blowing us off for his ex-girlfriend. I was mad because he left because he was guilty. Not that I’m an exception. I was surprised when you calmly told me it had nothing to do with me but you were frustrated with him and needed to cool off. “I recorded some movies for us so you should come over & we’ll cheer eachother up,” you said as you hugged me goodbye. Our faces touched side to side and you leaned into it as if you wanted to kiss me. I wish you would, but I’m glad in that moment you didn’t. See I realize that this has happened before. Remember?
When we first started seeing eachother, right after shady introduced me to you, I had used you as a distraction. Shady had made it clear that he was into me, but I didn’t want to be that girl, he was still with his girlfriend back then. It occured to me that Shady saw it as a pissing contest when he unexpectedly walked in on our first date. I rented the movies and you cooked dinner- what would have been a perfect first date had he not showed up. He brought beers, I hadn’t known you were a recovering alcoholic back then so I chugged a couple down to calm my nerves. He stole the spot light and you fell into some mindless task to avoid the situation. I doubt you remember, but you told me how he got on your nerves and that you didn’t want him there that night. I honestly didn’t want him there either. After he finally got the hint and left we curled up and watched a movie. I think I dozed off a little bit and I awoke to you pulling me into you. You kissed me then, you kissed me like you had wanted to all night. That’s one of the few times I’ve ever felt passion like that. You caressed my hand as I fell into another light sleep afterwards. I went home that morning feeling like a milion bucks. I was sleep deprived, but I didn’t care. I was walking on sunshine. I wish we could go back to that summer, the summer I fell for you.
You and shady got into the first argument after that night. You didn’t talk to him the entire time we were seeing eachother, into the time when you moved out of my place. You cut me out of your life then. I can’t decide if I still have hope but i started to doubt it during that point in our relationship. I have forgave you for a lot that I wouldn’t put up with for anyone else and I feel like if you found out… if I told you what happened those couple weeks ago, you just might forgive me too. I never intentionally hurt you, and I know when you hurt me it’s a test. You still don’t trust me, you don’t think I’m someone you can count on. Through everything I was nothing like the person you feared I was, that is until now.
